Google Humour

Google has a sense of humour ...
Take 60 seconds to do this. I bet you will past this on to someone else. It's too funny not to.

1. go to www.google.com

2. click on "maps"

3. click on "get directions"

4. type New York in the first box (the "from" box)

5. type London in the second box (the "to" box)

6. hit the "get directions" button just to the right

7. scroll down to step #23

OBITUARY

MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knew for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; appreciating that Life isn't always fair; and accepting that Maybe it was my fault.

Mr. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but overbearing, regulations were set in place: Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teenager suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student.

His condition worsened and Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Paracetemol, Sun lotion or a Band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

His funeral had few mourners because his passing largely went un-noticed.


Original by Allen Jesson
See his Blog: thoughts and musings

Pathetic Panasonic

So, I present Brian with a new camera because I think that he deserves encouragement with his photography and this slightly larger model than the Ixus camera, which got stolen, has a better grip and has a stabiliser. Our friend Sophie has one and we were impressed with the results. Lumix DCM FZ7 for the technophiles. It came without a camera case.



After a search on the internet I find that the case for this camera is in the USA. I try to purchase it but I have to register for an account and, yes there is no space to register in the UK. I send them e-mails asking if they ship to the UK. I guess by their lack of response that they don't even e-mail to the UK. Dead end. No-one in the UK seems to have this item so I finally find Panasonic's UK site. Now I will get somewhere . . .



I phone them:


"Hi, I'm trying to track down a camera case for the Lumix DCM FZ7. Can you help?"

"There is one but it is not available in this country"

"Er yes, in the USA?"

" Not in this country ~ we are seeing if they can be made available."

" You mean I can buy a Panasonic camera in this country but not the case for it?"

"There is a case for it ~ but it's not available in this country."

"Mmmm (What a load of rubbish this international corporation is) What do you suggest I do?"

"Go to Jessops and buy a third party case."

"Thank you. Goodbye"

Panasonic are, therefore, pathetic. Buyer beware!

David Weeks MIMC

Out of the blue, but in time for Easter, came an announcement that the President of The Magic Circle has recommended me to be elevated to MIMC which stands for Member of the Inner Magic Circle. This promotion will mean very little to the general public but within the club it means that you have arrived! The award, curiously, is in the gift of the President and is then, by convention, ratified by the council. It is not, like the Associate of the Magic Circle (AMIC) nor Membership (MMC) achieved through an examination.

Ask not the reason why me? Be grateful at the honour bestowed!

Well, thanks.

Kylie Entertained

Here is an edited version of my earlier post in which I get to have fun with Kylie Minougue at her book launch ~ Waterstones 30th September 2006

Likings & Loathings

Back in February Brian posted 'Likes and Dislikes' relating to a particular letter of the alphabet; many others joined in the game and I too, requested a letter.
Late, but here is the letter:

LIKES:

Men and Mates and in particular My Man (Brian) and, in the past, Michael

A boy's best friend ~ My Mother

The goddess of the night, that pale satellite of the earth, the Moon

On the Moon these are found and on the earth too, those magnificent enduring lumps of geomorphological creation Mountains

To make me Mirthful or Mournful or Meditative or a combination of all of them ~ Movies

My hobby and my job, Magic, and a writer about this, the late Billy McComb

Meals, Meat and Muffins (better than crumpet)

The human quality of Magnanimity

DISLIKES:

Muddle and Mess in thought or lifestyle

Mispronunciation of the word 'Homosexual'. The root being Greek for 'same' rather than Latin for 'man'

Misunderstanding of the root of the word 'Chairman'; from the Latin in which the person who is invested with the power at a meeting, rather than assigning a gender. If this were understood then the word 'Chair' for this task would be replaced correctly with 'Chairman'

Misunderstanding of the Millennium and the proper understanding of when it started; at the end of the year 2000.

Mealy-mouthedness ~ call a spade a shovel

Misguided philanthropy, Misanthropy & Meaness of spirit

Munitions. When did they ever actually solve anything?

Misappropriation: theft of videos, films, ideas of others.

Managers who believe in top down, rather than bottom up, style of management. This is exemplified, perfectly, by the continual government legislation of education

Medicine that has so many side-effects that it does more harm than good in the long run

Members of Parliament. In fact most politicians who have their own interests and desire for power taking precedence over the well-being of those they should be serving.


Oh dear I seem to have more dislikes than likes ~ I blame the letter!

Why do it?

Just because something can be done isn’t necessarily a reason to do it.

Version Tracker lists programmes, daily, that are available on Mac computers.

This one turned up today:

Keymileage - 0.5.2
 measures how much your fingers move to type

Product Description:
Keymileage figures out how many miles your fingers travel when typing. You can even measure really long files.

Keymileage tabulates in both the simplified Dvorak layout and the QWERTY layout.


If you can think of a reason for having this, then you can at this site ~ and free too!

I'm It!

Brian certainly likes to keep his reader's busy.
Firstly, I foolishly asked for a letter of the alphabet in order to compile a list of 'Likes' and 'Dislikes' , which I have yet to complete; and now, this game of 'Tag', which feels more like a truth game that used to be played late at night by students after a glass or two, too many.

Five little known facts about David:

1) My first public, magic performance from which time I kept records, was in 1966 at Queen Mary's Hospital, Sidcup, Kent, to the staff and some patients. It was the only time I used a female assistant throughout the act ~ someone who thought they knew what was best suggested this. She was fine, but for my money, superfluous!
Tonight I perform my 3,524th show since keeping these records.


2) Whilst still at school worked in a sound studio on a pilot production of 'The Tempest' with Fiona Walker (Far from the Madding Crowd) and Robert Powell (Doomwatch, Mahler et.al)

3) Adapted, directed, recorded and edited my version of Ray Bradbury's 'The Fire Balloons' whilst in year 11 at school. Interesting and fun.


4) Spent several hours in a cell at Swanley Police station, whilst still a teenager. DPP decided not to proceed ~ nuff said.





5) Joined the Bexleyheath Society of Magicians at 14 years old. The club lowered their joining age in order to let me in! Later I won their Stage Magician competition.






If you are reading this then consider yourself tagged!

B.A. ~ Bl**dy Awful!

BA offered me the chance to upgrade my flight for £50
I go on on-line and try to to do this.
I can’t.
I send an e-mail asking why this is.



The reply:

Dear Mr Weeks
Thank you very much for contacting us.
To be sure you have an answer from us as swiftly as possible, I would be grateful if you will speak to our customer support team. They deal with all pre-travel enquiries and they'll be happy to give you individual assistance.

Please phone them on 0870 850 9 850 and give your booking reference number when you call.

I'm sorry not to be more immediately helpful, but do please phone our customer support team. They'll do all they can to help you at once.

Best regards

Praveen Satheesan


British Airways Customer Relations


I phone the number given:
After an interminable wait I ring off and send another e-mail:

Your reply sent me back to your telephone enquiry service. Here I pay for the privilege of being held in a queue and listening to endless BA adverts and information.
Even early on a Sunday morning you experience and extremely high volume of calls ~ well it is a pre-recorded message so you always experience a high volume of calls ~ perhaps this should tell you something!

I have visited BA.com and failed to "manage my booking" and was told to ring you.
I ring you and your message suggests I go on-line.
I am quite dizzy going backwards & forwards. . . .
Most unimpressive.

Looks like the upgrade isn’t going to happen!

Vindicated?

So at last, it seems, that those theatrically juvenile members of the public, who previously complained , have at last recognized that an actor is person playing a part in a play, not a 'character' from a film.

The Daily Mail on their web site (click the link) has a number of the audience, who attended a preview, admitting, at last, that this actor, Daniel Radcliffe, is a professional who is doing a good job in a magnificent and important play.

Good luck to him!

Smile

Picture

Smile awhile and whilst you smile, another smiles, and soon there are miles and miles of smiles.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

:o)

TRUE?

© Brian Sibley & David Weeks 2007

The World's Easiest Quiz

Passing requires 4 correct answers

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?


All done?


Scroll down to check your answers below.






















ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

Passing requires 4 correct answers

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.


(And don't try to tell me you passed!)